• What is the definition of an accountant?
  Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don't understand.

• How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
  How much money do you have?

• What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
  Someone who has a loophole named after him.

• When does a person decide to become an accountant?
  When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

• What's an extroverted accountant?
  One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.

• What is an auditor?
  Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.

• Why did the auditor cross the road?
  Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

• How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
  Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.

• What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
  Depreciation.

• If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say?
  "Darling, tell me about your work."

• What did the accountant say when he got a blank check?
  My deductions have at last caught up with the salary.

• Why the accountant started smoking?
  So he can deduct cigarettes from his income tax. Called it loss by fire. So his medical expenses went above the 71/2% threshold.

• How does an accountant stay out of debt?
  He learns to act his wage.

• There are just three types of accountants: those who can count and those who can't.

Newton's Laws of Accounting

1. For every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant.
2. Both of them are wrong.